Dear Family and Friends,
Like many other of my best-laid plans that don’t usually come to fruition, the idea was to create this first post the night before leaving and make it dramatic and romantic. I pictured myself sitting down with my favorite mug of hot tea, surrounded by a few lit candles, my bags all packed and goodbyes all said, with nothing left to do besides write through my thoughts and feelings in such a way that would make readers want to “follow” me. I envisioned myself tapping into a realm of creativity that would enable me to find the words to accurately communicate to everyone what was in my heart in that moment, and to start chronicling my journey.
Reality looks a little different though. Right now I’m sitting in the middle of the brightness and bustle of the Miami International Airport hopped up on caffeine like a bug-eyed cartoon character, only having slept on and off during the two-hour flight from Houston to here. I’m feeling the feelings and thinking the thoughts but not gracefully with hot tea; they’re spewing out of me like I’m dysfunctional fountain and I’m a little worried that any minute I’ll start unloading on yet another stranger next to me all of the paradox of the laughter and tears and beauty and struggle. In this reality, my poor mother had to circle the passenger-drop-off area 7 times to come and retrieve heavier items from my suitcase that she’ll have to ship so I could finally get down to regulation weight limit, and our final, loving goodbye was shouted over three lanes of honking traffic.
In this reality I braced myself for what I thought would be emotional goodbyes that weren’t and was surprised by the difficulty of others that I didn’t brace myself for, and I ran to seek out a corner by myself to cry through the choking feeling of knowing I’ll miss out on things that don’t happen twice, like third and sixtieth birthdays. In this reality I feel under qualified, and not in control of my own world. The humbling process of support-raising, and the idea that I’m to have faith that my needs will be met long-term when the concrete, tangible proof isn’t there is … challenging. There are logistics issues that didn’t get resolved that I’ll have to take care of from there. My teammates are stuck in Jersey because the hurricane that already touched down on the island causing major flooding and damage is headed right for the northeastern coast of the U.S. And to top it all off, there’s no way I can get this posted before actually arriving to the island because the wireless at the Miami International Airport isn’t free. (So technically, you’re reading a not-entirely-authentic message, because I will have had to wait to post it until arriving in Puerto Plata.)
But I say all of this, a seeming string of grouchy complaints, to wind around to shedding light on this truth: that even with the smoothness and finesse with which I imagined this transition occurring, this reality, God’s reality, which is His will playing out, is much, much better than mine. And I’ll take this reality, and embrace with open arms perpetually overweight suitcases, confusion and a lack of understanding as to how my needs will be met, all of it – all of it. Every piece. I will take it with the utmost gratitude because months ago, no sooner did I learn about and begin to desire this opportunity when my heart broke as I “realized” that doing something like this would never be possible for someone like me – and because months before that, I wouldn’t have even let myself begin to desire such a thing in the first place because I “knew” in deep, dark places in my heart that I could never be destined to be a vessel for anything the Lord wanted done. But those pieces of my preexisting, inaccurate reality were shattered, like tiny pieces of a glass mosaic, crashing open to reveal what I can only make out as a bright, blinding light. I still don’t understand it well, I can’t stare directly into it, but it’s overwhelming and it completely usurped my idea of my boxed-in future, which would have been forced to adhere to measurements of my own incapability of really making a difference. Countless giant, fire-breathing dragons of impossibility were slayed on my behalf to bring me here, to make it possible for me to be sitting in this chair getting ready to board the plane.
He slayed them because He loves me like crazy; madly, incessantly. He loves every single one of us in that way and has thus opened doors and provided opportunities for us to love and serve one another in different beautiful ways. And the icing on the cake is that to respond to that call, to love and serve, is just as rewarding for the lovers and the servers as it is for the recipients! Goodness abounds!
So I’m here, steeped in paradox, embracing as much as possible the tears and laughter and highs and lows that have woven their way in and out of this process, just excited to be here at all, bowled over by the idea that anyone could love me enough to lay before me an opportunity such as this. I’m truly love-struck. Just a lovestruck girl.
To anyone reading this (and especially to those who made it this far down the page!), I want to sincerely extend my deepest gratitude for your interest, prayers, support, involvement, and encouragement. It has been such a manifestation of angelic love to have been urged on by others, extending their shoulders to lean on and desiring to be part of the effort. You all are of the utmost importance to me. Please continue to pray for our efforts and please get in touch with me to let me know how I can pray for you; I would love to stretch my arms out across the sea and extend a shoulder for you to lean on should you need it, so let me pray for and support you. I hope to bless you with good news about what your generosity is doing for the children we’re serving and to be able to properly thank you for what you’ve done. Thank you for making it such that it’s almost time to board the plane to the Dominican Republic. Thank you for answering God’s call to help.
I guess I’ll be writing to you next time from the DR! Wishing you all many, many blessings.
Love,
Lovestruck Sarah
